Temple of Squat
What is the Temple of Squat?
We are a fellowship devoted to Squat, the Blessed Parking Goddess (BPG), who rewards Her worshippers with good parking spots.
How do I join?
Simply call upon Our Lady of Perpetual Parking in whatever way feels right to you and She will make you one of Her own. BTW, the traditional sacrifice to the Parking Goddess is a dirty joke of your choosing. She is also is very fond of nun jokes. So are you ready to accept Squat as your personal parking Savior and recieve the unlimited gifts that She bestows? Will you become an heir to all of the infinite promises of Squat?
What are some of the benefits of worshipping Squat?
As a devotee of the Parking Goddess, you will be entitled to good parking karma, a sense of inner peace while driving in rush hour traffic, guidance wherever you go, and much, much more! Your Third Eye Chakra will open and you will be able to psychically receive the Akashic Traffic Report broadcast from the Fourth Dimension. This will allow you to learn about your past and future lives while discovering which roads to avoid. Also, everyone who calls upon Squat is a High Priest or High Priestess in their own right. If you need any more reasons to convert, consider this - worshipping Squat is a just plain a hell of a lot of fun!
Okay, you have made me a believer! Now that I have become a devotee of the Parking Goddess, what else can I do to serve Her?
Some worshippers of Squat provide Her with offerings of candy bars and cola. Others burn candles, chant "Om Squat", or visualize parking spaces. You can also pray, "Hail Squat, full of grace, find for me a parking space!" The sky is the limit so use your imagination and above all, have fun. When you have been blessed with a good parking spot, it is customary for you to put some change in the parking meter as you leave to show Squat your grattitude for the miracles She is working in your life.
Does Squat have something to do with the Discordians?
Why would you ask that? Fnord!
What does Squat look like?Does the Temple of Squat believe in a devil?
Our beloved Goddess of Parking is often described as looking somewhat like Venus of Willendorf.
No, we do not believe in some figure of ultimate evil. However, the spirits that cause cars to be towed away could loosely be called "parking demons."
Who is Azrabel the Toothless Key Scratcher from the Abyss?
Strictlty speaking, Azrabel is not a demon but an agent of cosmic justice. His role in the function of the universe it to punish anyone who is taking up more than one parking space. Fierce Azrabel's fingernails are made up of keys to Cadillac hearses from the 1950s and he displays his horrible vengeance by using them to savagely scratch the paint off from transgressors' vehicles. Azrabel relishes his job and on occasion has been known to take things too far. Given Azrabel's thoroughly nasty dispostion, nobody in their right mind would ever deliberately invoke him. However, I must confess that I once undertook this extremely dangerous action and the results were not pretty! The less said about the events that took place in that grocery store parking lot that fateful day, the better. However, the morbidly curious will find a full record of the event known as the Winn Dixie Horror in the archives of the library at Miskatonic University. Bwaaa haaa haaa!
Isn't the Temple of Squat just making fun of other religions?
Some have called the Temple of Squat a "parody religion." We have a lot in common with Discordianism ("Hail Eris!"), the Church of the SubGenius ("Praise Bob!"), the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster ("Praise His Noodly Appendage!"), and other like-minded souls who have also been given this label. In fact, it is not at all unusual for a member of the Temple of Squat to belong to one or more other "parody religions." As far as "just making fun of other religions," humor is a valid spiritual path in its own right- something seemingly forgotten by the world's dominant monotheistic religions. Given some of the silly or even harmful actions of so-called "real religions," a little ribbing is certainly justified. However, we don't stop there. We prefer to think of ourselves as a relativistic religion or a neophilic irreligion, depending on which day it is.
Do members of the Temple of Squat have to take vows of celibacy?
No, of course not. We do not have to take vows of celery either.
Does the Temple of Squat believe in saints?
Similiar to the idea of saints in other religions, some members of the Temple of Squat believes in what are called "bodhisquattvas." These are enlightened beings who walk among us and manifest the spirit of Squat in their every thought, word, and deed. Unlike Catholic saints, a bodhisquattva does not have to die before attaining bohisquattvahood, and perhaps more importantly, gets to have sex. A shining example of bodhisquattvahood would be the truly worthy Dr. Annie Sprinkle.
Why is Squat sometimes called a "found goddess"?
A "found god" or "found goddess" is a deity who was not worshipped by the ancients but instead was "found" in modern times. Squat is a perfect example since She is a new goddess who has emerged to fulfill the unique needs of our time. Another example is Caffeina, the Goddess of Coffee.
What is Squat's role in the new millenium?
Squat is a new deity for a new age. Uncle Al heralded the Aeon of Horus and proclaimed, "Every man and every woman is a star." The Temple of Squat would just add that Squat is here to provide everyone with celebrity parking priveleges.